I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
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