I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I need a burrito and a hug.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
