A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
