sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
