Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize