I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
