someone owes me an orgasm
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
