god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
