No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
