Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
