I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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