I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
