rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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