I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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