the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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