They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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