well I can't set my house on fire every night
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
