yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
