so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
where are my eyebrows?
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