just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
