I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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