I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Swine flu is the new snow day.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
