fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize