I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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