you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
