dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
