omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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