The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
