apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
this hospital has no fireball
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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