I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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