Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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