I should be sponsored by Trojan
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
