Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
