3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
