you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize