I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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