The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
