you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
