Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
