Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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