every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
