After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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