I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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