I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Me too!
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
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