I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
