I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Randomize
