I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
