I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Randomize
