Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
