I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
being pregnant is like rehab
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Randomize
