Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
