Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
