You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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