i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
