So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
