Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
