just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
