I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
