im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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