So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Are my feet made of real feet?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
