what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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